Hiding in many ways of Telling

I see you hiding, hiding in many ways of telling.

Abhi haal hi me, ek din, jab classes nahi thi or hum bahut bhookhei the aur dopahar ki chilakti lalkar ne hamari guddiyaan laal kar di thi hamne socha: ki nahi, dopahar mein bahar nikalna is not a walk. We didn’t get any lifts. Paidon ki chhaye dhundhte hue hum road ke is aur se us aur jaa rahe the, bahut bhini bhini chhayein kyooki abhi thand honi thi, January ka mahina hai, paido ke patte gayab h kyonki hisaab se abhi thand honi thi par Hyderabad mein mausam toxic relationship ke either chhor ke vyakti jaisa hai, aaj garm to kal thanda or parso barish. 

Bahut dinon se baarish nahi hui thi achhi dhoop shopcom ke beech mein gir rahi thi hamne egg tadka or roti kha li tha, shopcom ki ek band dukaan ki shutter ke neeche bethe the. Mujhe garmiyon ke shuruaat k dinon ki yaad aa rhi thi. Jahan halki mulayam hawa chal rhi thi kuch chhote feeke hare ped shanti se jhool rahe the, ladke, ladkiyaan, kutte, bade, buddhe, phd k log sab ka shor jaise kisi parde ke peeche se aa raha tha. Kuch kyonki hamne fooka tha aur khane ke baad chai peene se ek mellow si roshni hamare antargat tair (swim) rahi thi. Kone me ek salon dukaan thi jis se puraane hindi gaano ka ullas or afsos dopahar par chaashni ki tarah gir raha tha. Kuch dinon pahle hum Steinbeck ki baat kar rahe the, main East of Eden ghar se laya tha or S- ne use padhna shuru kardiya. Bahar garmi ki shuruat jaisi thi or isme mujhe bhi Salinas Valley ki lambi rookhi fields ki yaad aa gayi, ek jise ‘the country idyll’ kahte hain wo mere dimaag mein chhap sa gaya tha Eden ko lekar. Isliye me S- se har din poochta aaj kya padha- me ye sawal sabse poochne laga tha ab to- aur wo ek na ek kissa lagbhag har din batata or me un characters ki tasveer apne dimaag mein banaane ki koshish karta. Ekdin ek bada lamba bahut ‘american’ sa quote ya kaho ek panna usne padhkar sunaya jisme qafi khoob tarifein thi individualism ko lekar, ye un kuch quotes me se tha jo capitalism ki shuruat ke jo kuch achhe din the unko dhang se samjhata tha. Par ye aisa bhi tha ki hum dono ise dekh sakte the ye kya kaam karrha hai, kyoki hum logo ne bahut rail karna seekh liya tha individualism ke khilaaf par jo baatein wo keh raha tha unme ek satya tha, ek satya jo capitalism ki shuruat mein tha or hai par hum yeh bhi dekh sakte the ki ye sab kaha ko jata hai. 

Isi baat ko lekar S- us dopahar shopcom me bethe kehta hai ki ye dekho ye sab individual se hi to nikalkar aaya hai, banate ek community hai yaha shopcom me aakar par har ek ko alag se dekho, kisi ne to sabse pehli dukaan lagayi thi fir kisi aur ne socha khud se ki ham bhi kuch kholte hai aur aise hi ye community bani ki nahi. Abhi dekho bhaant bhaant ke log yaha aa rahe hain khaa rahe hain, apna sabun, biscuit, shampoo, pen le rahe hain, kuch or log apna dol sudhaar rahe hain salon mein, kuch idhar bethkar sirf chai hi pee rahe. Par ek oneness hai. Ek harmony hai, sahil ne kaha, collective harmony hai, par it is thought out, there have been conscious individual decisions. Par iski thoughoutness ye to nahi kehti ki ye us collective expression se, ki: ‘there was a river, people started living near it and slowly there were bazaars’, kahi chhote kad ki ho jati. Bazaar mein pehli dukaan bhi to kisi ne lagai thi, par is capitalist endeavor ne kahin ek collective paida kiya to sahi. Hum kisi nateeze par to nahi pahunch paaye par kuch khayal aaya ki itti gray and white to nahi duniya. Ye nuance S- kehta hai zaroori hai me abhi bhi thoda reserved hu is par, par kuch satya S- me hai.

Ye hua aise hi ek chhota sa qissa introduction se pahle abhi batadu ki mein English Lit ka ek student hoon jo itna delusion me hai wo jhuth se satya nikaalna chahta hai. Jo kya hai kuch pata nahi. Par kya likhne me kuch satya hai ye sawal qafi achha sa dikhta hai ek Substack introduction k liye.

Aandhi said that the telling of the story is like a flask. The story is the liquid in the flask, it'll take any shape its telling gives but it’ll always taste like the story, the liquid in the flask. Hum baat kar rahe the us bachkaani aadat ki jisme aap us lekhak ko copy karna shuru kar dete ho jo aapne latest padha ho. Maine abhi Murakami ki pehli kitaab padhi thi ‘Hear the Wind Sing’ jiska structure mujhe bahut pasand aaya, Murakami kayi baar qaafi pop ho jata hai apne dialogue mein or use auratein likhne ka dhang bhi nahi, par use garmi, beer or university likhne ka kuch dhang tha jo mujhe qafi achha laga. Yahi me Aandhi se bata raha tha ki usne ek copy nikali usme ek flask banaya or uske andar kuch liquid bhar diya, lakeer karte hue usne flask ke side me likha ‘telling’ or uske andar se pani darshaate hue likha story. Isme bhi kuch satya tha.

Hamne ek din pahle thode nashe me kuch or baat ki thi iss par ki kitna ‘me’ jaata hai aapke lekhan mein. Kuch nasha tha to thode rangeele terms mein humne samjha tha ki ‘kitna apna dard jata hai kahani mein; or kab tak hum sirf apne dard ko kahani samajhte rahenge; hum un lekhako me se nahi banna chahte jo apne dard ko hi darshaate rahe’ mujhe ek aur line yaad aayi ‘writing is how best you can hide the self, writing is not an expression of the self/pain but the process of hiding it’. Ya fir shayad wo yeh line thi ‘muhabbat ka chhupana hai mohabbat’ jo faraz Sahab se hamne churake lekhan mein daal di thi. Par us baat me bhi kuch satya tha hamne socha. Kahi se ek aur yaad aata hai ki duniya ki sabse badi jung sahi or galat mein nahi balki sahi or sahi me hain. Shayad yahi hai ki kuch satya to har baat mein hoga, lekhan wahi hai jo thodi baat mein jyada satya bolde or sahi or sahi ke beech ka farq jaise filmon mein talwaar markar intestine bahar nikal dete hain waise nikal kar rakh de. Ye bhi yaad ata hai ki ‘life is a self’s desire for absolute communication’ pata nahi kisne kaha tha par shayad yahi prem bhi hai aur yahi lekhan bhi: the (fatal) desire for absolute communication. Shayad tabhi Joyce ne Finnegans wake tak aate aate bhasha, language, ko bhi chhod diya tha, kyonki shayad ‘absolute communication’ bhasha se pare hai or shayad tabhi us movie ‘Aligarh’ mein Manoj Bajpayee ka kirdar Siras jo real life mein ek linguistic professor the kahte hain ‘Poetry shabdon mein kaha hoti hai baba, kavita shabdo ke antraal mein milti hai, pauses mein, silences mein’ shayad absolute communication bhasha ke pare hai. Aur isliye hum jo kuch karrhe hai wo qafi misguided hai par shayad yeh ek tareeka hai uske qareeb jaane ka. 

Pata nahi iske kitnei qareeb pahunchein h hum par raaste mein hai. Raaste mein abhi ek raat south gate jaate hue kuch dimaag me aya achanak sochte hue ek khayal: ‘I see you hiding in many ways of telling’ shayad aadmi yahi hai kahne or hone ke beech ke antraal me fasa hua.

Yahi sab dekhte hue thoda likh lete hain, class chale jaate hain aur ye kuch aisa waqt hai jahaan theher nahi sakte yaha se aage ya peeche ya kahi bagal me nikalna padega. Isi waqt mein ye kuch qisse lekar aata rahunga mere lekhan ko sudhaarne ke liye or koi padhe uske ‘delight’ k liye. Aise kuch khaas nahi bolrha to agar ye tum tak pahonche to isey sirf bahut khali samay mein padhein.

Pata nahi kyon par iss khatam karte hain: All that water in the palm is enough.